March 3, 2002 - Recently i have accepted a new challenge, to become more toned, more flexible, stronger and yes... to drop some weight. i have decided to journal my journey.

i have no one at home to share my trials & tribulations, the struggles and the victories, so i will journal it here. Maybe it will give me some understanding of myself.

When i began, i was offered a one month free membership at a female only fitness club. i took a fitness test and discovered i was 290 lbs and woefully out of shape. i lay on the floor during the test trying to deal with cramps in my muscles.

my response to finding out my weight was to get angry at me, angry for letting myself get that heavy. i had to go to a doctor to get permission to join the club, he totally supported my choice.

i have done some research into diet aids and chose Slim Fast to balance my diet while i begin my new journey. i began that weekend.

By the time i took the 2nd half of my fitness test, i had lost 10 lbs... i am aware that the first 10 lbs are water weight, but to me, it was 10 lbs i don't have to carry. It was also an incentive.

i joined the gym and had a program crafted to take into account my age, fitness level and various physical limitations. i go 3 times a week and work out. Treadmill, bike, strength training machines.

Slowly, over the past month i have increased the difficulty/length of my exercises and to date have lost 22 lbs and an amazing number of inches. 10 & 3/4 off my waist... 2 & a half off my upper thighs.

i am finding i can do things that were hard for me before, running up & down stairs in my building to do laundry, no puffing, no feeling of exhaustion. This ever growing strength & endurance is new and heady.. it increases my determination to stay with my program. my energy level has increased, my feeling of inner strength. i have struggled with depression, now i feel more joy.

It would be nice to have someone put his arms around me, to feel his pride in my accomplishments, but if i never have that, if the only pride in my victories has to come from me, so be it. i do this for me.

Funny, it has been 2 months since i began my new journey into change. In the 2 months, there has been much change.
i still go to the gymn 3x a week, i now do from 25 to 40 minutes on the recline bike, 10 on the treadmill & have added yet another strength training machine to my circut.
i plateaued for more than a week at 26 lb loss... so stepped up my workout to push myself off the plateau, it worked, i am now at 31 lbs loss.

The other change is i have met Bear, a man who was vanilla with an interest in BDSM. In meeting Him, i felt the Dom heart within Him, saw His eagerness to learn & grow. We have an intense physical relationship, but it goes beyond that. i have taken Him to munches, a private tutorial party with trusted & experienced friends, and a fet party. We have signed up for a beginner's workshop as He wants to learn the skills properly.
Many changes, learning to have someone else in my life isn't easy after being alone for 3 years. i have been very good at making friends, very good at locating and meeting men, having someone in my life for a day.. or three... but an ongoing, growing relationship is something new. i have many questions about how to work things out that i will be taking to people who have walked this road ahead of me. Hopefully they can help me think things through....

04/07/02 i am tempted to delete the above notation, erasing it from my life, but this is a journey and sometimes the path that looks like the right one leads only to a dead end.
i continue with the gymn, even though the past few days have found me hitting an emotional wall. Not being allowed to have a fitness test and discovering that my budding relationship is dying on the vine along with having a person i used to consider friend use a past experience, twisted to suit her version publicly air something over & done, it has added up to pull me into a depression. Hating my job, wanting to change, needing to change for almost two years, but discovering that no one wants a 52 yr old overweight worker has left me feeling trapped and powerless.
But i will push myself to get back to the gymn. The exercise & the return to losing weight will encourage me.
i have been sewing on a merry widow, getting it ready for the party next weekend.
i will feel better when i know that i have finished the relationship and cut the ties, beginning again.

05/05/02 So much has happened, the relationship i ended turned out to be a sham, with me being used. my pnone bill being run up to over $600 by a man who pretended to care. Fighting to get him to pay, turning to friends to warn them. i have discovered how many good friends i have in the BDSM community, with people offering support & very real help with my situation. Finding myself slipping deeper and deeper into debt, i looked for part time work merely to survive. In the course of my search i found a company who interviewed me twice, put me thru training and a day trial to see if i could cut it. The same day one of the bosses where i am, humiliated me publicly in front of the office over something that was the fault of the company owner, i discovered i had gotten the new job. It was my great pleasure to submit my 2 weeks notice at my old job. The new job will be challenging and difficult, but the compensation is attractive. i will need a 2 bedroom apartment for a home office. Many changes... a possible lawsuit to get my money and to teach the cad that he can't use women without dealing with consequences. 43 lbs down, returning to the gymn tomorrow, i spent Sat & Sunday with friends, an event in Niagara Falls, where friends pampered me, where i was able to sell the new toys i made and then a munch in Milton where i again was surrounded by good friends and had special people give very real help. i worked hard since entering the community to earn respect and trust, to be known as a friend and now, when i need it the most, my friends are there for me.

June 2nd
So many changes, the old job done, my last cheque in the bank, my new job begun.
i got good feedback from my new boss about my performance so far.
Went to 2 parties this weekend, at the 2nd one i scened a fem subbie friend of mine, i can see where my skills as top have improved. i can see my strength growing.
i begin to consider my needs as sub, my ability to serve, my ability to submit happily. i wonder if i am capable of it, if it might not be better to express my top side and occasionally have a strong chest to lean on, a part time Dom. So that i can curl up and be soft from time to time, to let go of control and power from time to time. To have a place to breathe,but to have someone with me to hold, to be my companion, maybe i need to be strong and in control.
Almost 60 lbs lost. With the way my body is changing, i wonder if i will be acceptable, the redness under my belly roll... the psorisis on my inner thighs and under my breasts, the tissues around my eyes that are no longer filled with fat cells... showing lines. i wonder, and i keep going, knowing that i can't depend on having a companion, a partner, that i may be on my own for the rest of my life. Trying to come to terms with the idea of doing it all myself.

June 13 2002
Sadness, the overwhelming things happening. The lack of money, the need to keep my place running, to work when I am not getting the quota of meetings that were set for me, not knowing if I will have a job, yet having to move to have a place to work.
The move being delayed, having to call all the places back and reset dates for installations... the need to talk to someone, to rest in his arms and talk, to talk about missing my father, to talk about being afraid of the future, things that need to be done, decisions made and no one to talk to.
Being stood up for a coffee date, talking to men, being pushed to fulfill their needs with no care or consideration for what i need. The men who want to get release, who view women as no more than tissue to be used and discarded. The ones who only call when they are horney and push to get what they want, no commitment, no bond... no real touching other than physical. I wonder if I am too old to be loved, if it is too late to hope for someone who will touch my soul and heart, for whom the physical touch is only an extension of the inner bond.But he doesn't exist... even in my dreams there is no one. The chances of ever finding the partner i need are miniscule at best.........61 lbs down...and so the journey continues.

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