In the night I lie with my Dragon, ethereal arms enfold me, pull me close to scaly chest, breath hot in my ear.
His phantom strength feeds me briefly… closing my eyes, I see Him, feel Him, surrender to His touch, my hips grind against the wraith…. my body moves with no responding resistance…. none but the vain imaginings of an empty soul.
Time passes, the heart cravings flare & then flicker, hope with each voice, each tentative emailed bridge… then the bridge fades & I am left with naught but my ghost Dragon
Friends, happy in their love for another hold the light of their love out for me to warm myself… but each candle only makes the darkness that follows colder for the loss of the light. They turn, rightly so, to their dance of union and I replace the mask… the bright smile covered in hearts…. with the veil over the eyes to hide the pain.
What has made me so hideous, so unlovely that none care to come close enough to know me, what is so wrong with me that love remains out of reach.
Hideous I must be to be loved by none but my own dreams, my own fantasies, my own Dragon. Born to be loved, heart ripped by the lack of it, walls of false strength crumble as the tears wash over them.
Alone, afraid to talk to friends, afraid of dragging my loneliness into the light again, to dampen their happiness in their love with my pain.
No one to hold me, to place my head on His chest, none but my fantasy Dragon, gone when I open my eyes…
So much love to give, so much laughter, so much passion in my heart, but whatever it is that turns men from me locks those gifts away.
Locked in silence, in tears, in feigned happiness. Never to hear "Come here little one". Silly of me to allow that to cause me pain, my need to hear it, my need to feel a hand of love on my body, silly of me to cry alone in the night where none can see…. but my phantom Dragon.
I will draw my strength together again, sleep alone, and rise to make my way to work where no one knows or cares. I will return to my silence, to my tears, to my imaginary Dragon, tomorrow & tomorrow & for all my tomorrows. To pay for my hideousness in the loneliness of my soul.