Things I have crafted including the shirt and leather arm guards for my common-law husband. The dress and shirt were to be for our wedding that never happened.
Adulthood – At 20 I met my future husband in a club, he was a drummer and I was a dancer.
He worked for a country band & I was sick & tired of dancing to country music.
A friend of his came to visit and my future husband did a drum solo I danced to, I could feel the drums & was lost in the moment, I did part of the dance on my knees making gathering motions with my hands, at the final drum beat I flung out my arm pointing at his friend whose chair went back against the wall violently, that scared me.
Years later I learned the dance I was doing was an actual dance used by some type of native women to raise energy.
When we were newly married we moved to Vancouver & became friends with a witch there. At one time we lived in a single unit on the top of an apartment building. I was in bed while hubby and his friend were downstairs talking to the girl who lived below us. I heard a knock at the door, when I opened it, there was no one there, which happened 3 xs, and I went downstairs to find out if they were playing games.
The girl told me pictures kept falling off her walls & dishes kept flying out of the cupboards. As we talked I saw a woman walk through the door without opening it. I took paper and began to write what I thought she was thinking, it soon became what she was thinking and I wrote for 6 hours without stopping.
She had come to Vancouver looking to have the man who got her brother into drugs jailed. She became a prostitute to get close to who it was; she also became a drug mule. One night she couldn’t take it any more & flushed a huge bag of dope down the toilet.
When the man arrived, he was furious and killed her. I got names, places and dates. When the writing was done, I had to pee; I went into the bathroom, as I turned on the light I screamed because to me everything was covered in blood.
I was a dancer in a local club, one night I heard her screaming in my head that he was here. He turned out to be the head of all shoplifting in the lower mainland. He asked me to sit with him; I had to, but declined his offer to get me anything I wanted.
We finally did a séance at home and helped her move on. The writing was put in a safe & the witch we knew, who had friends in the police department checked the information, it was all true.
We had an incident in another apartment, my husband made a string art construction that incorporated the cambered ceiling and the opposite wall covering a corner. Something came through the construction, apparently he had created a doorway, we had friends over and all of us could feel the presence of something negative.
My husband received 3 unexplainable bloody scratches like claw marks on his shoulder. The presence took over the apartment, chasing us down the hall into the bedroom at the far back of the apartment, we were ready to go out the fire escape when I ran down the hall to the phone and called our witch friend.
Something else much larger came through the gate and I got the sense that the 1st entity had been a child wanting to play and father showed up to get him and discipline him for playing with the humans. Immediately after they left we destroyed the gate, for days after that our apartment had the hollow sound of an empty room even though it was full of furniture.
Then in my early 20s I became a Jesus Freak, I was lying in bed having a miscarriage while my husband went to a party, I had a vision of him having sex with a girl under a bush. I told him about it when he got home, he couldn’t touch me for 3 days because when he did, his skin would burn.
He accepted Christ too.
As time went on I learned to pray for people, use glossilalia (totally different from the language I can apparently speak, but not understand) and laying on of hands. I was attending a Bible study and one of the women had bursitis in her leg. I was “led” to pray for her with laying on of hands.
Later I heard the bursitis had stopped as I prayed & hadn’t come back. I thought that was sort of cool, but didn’t feel like I could take credit for it.
I began getting “messages” during church services about people with illness that were being healed, I always took the message to the pastor & left it with him.
After we moved from BC to Ontario, I started “seeing” angels during church services and revivals, what I would see would be a huge shadow or a bright shimmering; I would also get messages and take them to the pastor.
My parents & I were at a revival meeting and someone asked me to pray for them, I prayed while other people were eating lunch, when I went in to lunch the lady across from me kept staring at me.
She finally told dad she couldn’t see my face, that she could only see the face of Christ when she looked at me. Again, thought it was cool, but couldn’t take credit for it.
My parents were lay evangelists at this time.
I began to get “feelings” about people when I met them, I might see something like flowers and smell the fragrance, or I would see a black/green slime.
I saw the ghosts of children who had been locked in a closet of the Mennonite manse we were living in.
When my children were babies, both in cribs I went out, I was worried about them, so I went back in my mind & checked their rooms. I saw teeny angels perched on the rungs of their cribs with their wings outstretched forming a covering over them; small flowers fell from their wings & became a beautiful fragrance as they fell on the sleeping children.
I thought it was funny because my kids moved a lot in their sleep & the angels had to keep skootching up & down the rail to keep their wings over the kids.
As my marriage deteriorated I began to feel male arms around me holding me when I was sad or lonely. I could lean into the male chest, but I could never see him.
The longer I was in the Christian church (I tried several), the less at home I felt. I took part in some Christian based theatrics like Kids on the Block puppets, my own puppet troupe and became a Christian clown.
While attending a clown college, I took part in a fire eating class, after one of the classes, I went to the washroom and while there, heard, felt & saw what I knew to be a lotus opening near my navel, I could hear the damp sound of the petals opening, it freaked me out because here I was a strong Christian and was having what I knew was a Far East spiritual experience.
When I got home my husband accused me of having met someone else, I told him I did, that I met me.
I had a girlfriend who was involved in a native teaching circle and wanted me to come. I did just to shut her up. The teacher was doing exercises to increase people’s connection to their spirit. She said we had to learn lesson one which was respect, I knew I had learned that lesson as a child.
Things that happened during the 5 years I was in the group:
I learned how to manipulate energy and learned about Chi.
I was interested in Aikido so while with my kids who were about 7 or 8, I went to a dojo for a free lesson. The young male teacher showed me some moves and then had me kneel in the middle of the ring and ordered me to think down. He then tried to tip me over; he even resorted to levering his hands under my ass and trying to tip me forward. My kids were laughing hysterically, my son said “You told her to think down, tell her to think up”
I began to feel circles in my palms, like holes about the size of a tooney and that is where I took in & sent out energy.
I learned how to use the moon phases, when the group was under psychic attack I used the dark moon energy to hide the teacher’s house on the astral plane.
Friends of hers who were trying to check in with her on that plane called & asked why they couldn’t find her.
I learned how to travel on the astral plane; I would fly as a hawk to a place the group gathered as their totem animals. I also learned how to put up personal shields and general shields using colors.
I learned how to spirit travel, I could see the earth’s shields & what bad condition they are in & the people working to repair them.
I learned how to create a sacred circle and how to make a one match fire.
We went to a crystal cave as a group; recently I went back there with my Shamanic teacher and played the crystals like a piano.
I learned the 5 medicines of this area, the 4 directions, their spirit keepers and my totem animals.
I got the spider by getting a bite on my foot, the fang stayed in & was visible, it festered and nothing I did could get the fang out.
I finally gave in & accepted the spider as one of my totems, the next time I looked at my foot, the fang was gone & my foot was healed up.
I learned how to go into the astral world & bring out a boy who had gotten lost & wasn’t coming back.
I had several visions in one I saw a huge crystal at the core of the earth, it was surrounded by a circle of women who were sitting cross-legged, but were a foot or two off the floor, and they were guarding the crystal. I could see it had outcroppings and was told they were the holy places around the earth. I was told I was one of the guardians. I am still not sure what that means.
I also had a vision of being in a granite cave, in the ceiling above me was a shape made of crystal, it was like a W, I could see light through it. I was told it was a dragon footprint. That dragons had lived, but men had hunted them, so instead of living in harmony there was mistrust between the two races. I was also told there had been intermarriage between the two races long ago, but now dragons mistrusted man.
I discovered that my energy needed to be controlled.
Three men sat on a very long bench; probably about 20 feet long near the group sweat lodge. One of the men hadn’t experienced energy; I had him put his hands out in front of him, palms facing with a space between them. I slipped my hand between his & without touching him, I pulled energy out of my base chakra & PUSHED.
He fell over backwards and the 2 men on the bench leapt away from the bench yelling I had gotten them (apparently that day I was giving men hard ons with my energy alone – I had been asked by a Jesuit priest to work on his leg, he had a large area of numbness, I was gentle with my energy, but he was really embarrassed by his reaction)
One night sleeping in bed with my husband, a rune master (I knew nothing about runes), I woke out of a dead sleep woke him up & asked what degaz meant, he said transformation. I thought that was a good thing so went back to sleep. 3 days later he left me for another woman.
While still with my husband I took therapeutic touch 1 & 2 to learn how to “dial down” my energy, to have more control over the use of it.
Over the years, the center for it has moved from my base chakra to my solar plexus. I would use it to work on the kids, my son once fell from a unicycle onto his wrist, he was in terrible pain, I worked on him for a bit & the pain was gone, after that they would drag people to me to have me work on them *lol*.
After my husband left me I was dating & had met a man in his early 30s, (I was 10 years older) a toned bicyclist, very fit. We developed a friendship, one night he asked me to come over to watch movies, when I arrived he was in his spandex with a raging hard on & porn on the TV.
Porn is a negative trigger for me since it was part of the abuse I endured from my husband.
I decided the guy wanted sex, so instead of making love I made hate. As far as I knew when I left him on the floor of his living room, I had killed him. My teacher made me call him, she had known I did something bad & had intervened.
I used energy work to help people in the circle, one fellow had fallen off a roof & broken his ankle, and he was in a lot of pain & asked me to help.
What I did worked but the pain kept coming back so I asked “Grandfather” (my guide) why, he told me to stop helping, there was something negative the man was refusing to give up and until he came to terms with it I couldn’t help him.
During my time in the group I met a man I had been with in previous lives, the one I remembered as a child became clearer, more details filled in.
I had been just a bit older than a toddler running with the other children, there were outdoor cooking fires and I fell face first into one. Someone grabbed me, threw a wet hide round my head & ran me to my grandfather.
He took the hide off and used some salve on my burns. They healed, but while my body was brown from the sun, the scar was white; I had a mark the shape of a hawk over my eyebrows and down my nose. I didn’t cry while I was being cared for & once I was healed grandfather took me, placed me in the center of a circle of the people and named me for my scar.
I saw parts of my life and my death. The worst part of it was that the woman from that life was so close to me that she was still in love with the man who had been her husband. It made for very confusing & difficult emotional times. It took me 2 years to control my feelings for him, made more difficult because he had joined the teaching group.
After my husband left me I was at circle & as the group stood together I felt burning in my palms, I looked down & each palm had a symbol, it was like someone had drawn them in lighter fluid & lit it.
One was an inverted pentagram & the other was an inverted degaz, people tell me you can’t invert degaz, but I knew it was inverted.
I asked one of the fellows in the circle if he could see them, as I raised my hands he was knocked backwards and took notepaper & drew the exact symbols.
One of the leaders brought strong sage down & smudged my hands, and then I was told to go out & put them in the snow.
I heard the snow sizzle like a hot poker had been inserted into it.
While I was in the circle we did sweat lodge, I did it because it was the thing to do, but I got nothing out of it but endurance. Finally when I was badly burned all down one side, I stopped doing sweats. That night my teacher asked me where my tobacco was, no one had told me to take a handful of tobacco, so she handed me some & every time it felt like it was getting hot enough to ignite, she would throw it in the fire & give me fresh stuff.
Early in my time in the circle, I would go to a park in KW and walk back through the bush to a stream, there was a party place, as I sat in the crook of a willow, I noticed a rock in the fire pit, she was full of small holes & was talking to me, I was astounded, no rocks had talked to me before. I picked her up & held her. I took her home & she talked non stop for months, telling all of her stories that no one had been able to hear before. Finally she was done.
I passed her on years later to someone who needed her.
I also found another rock there, very large, a two hander that I thought had toilet paper on it, but it turned out to be two types of stone & one of them was crystal, they were merged & moss was growing on them.
I took it home & kept the moss alive. It seemed to symbolize my marriage, 2 different beings merged into 1, maintaining their uniqueness & supporting growth.
When my husband cheated on me & left me the moss died & I returned the rock to the stream.
When I moved to Cambridge I found a grove back in the bush, just outside Cambridge, near a stream. It had obviously been used for pagan worship; I would go there to get in touch with the trees, the earth and the water.
That place helped me get through some hard times.
My mom & sister would sometimes fly me out to BC, they knew I loved eagles so they took me to the place the eagles gather, but it was never the right time.
I bought a medicine wheel done by an artist; it had an eagle feather on it. I left tobacco for the feather & paid for the wheel, I also left him a note. He wrote me later & sent me 4 eagle feathers.
3 went to a native woman who needed them and I still have one of them and use it in healings.
The first visit we saw eagles sitting on wires far away. The next time they took me out to BC my mom & sister really wanted to see eagles. It was almost time for me to fly home, so I went for a walk by the water, sprinkling tobacco into the water & singing to the eagles, asking them to come.
The next day mom & my sister drove me to my brother’s in West Van, his property backs onto a green belt. I was going to be going to the airport to go home, as we drove in, my brother came running out saying you aren’t going to believe this.
He had been in the same home more than 20 years & had never seen anything like it. 2 bald eagles, a male & female, sitting in a tree right beside my brother’s fence. The female stayed rather hidden, but the male was in plain view & was he pissed at me. *lol*
He said they had come so he hoped I appreciated it, they had better things to do. They stayed for a couple of hours while everyone on the block got pictures. Even a lawnmower starting up didn’t cause them to flinch.
When my mom & sister first saw the eagles I had to bite my tongue, I almost said you are welcome.
During my time in the native circle I did several fasts, my first one was in February. I was in a farm rabbit hutch. My kerosene heater ran out of fuel, the batteries in my flashlight died and my candles burned down way too fast. I had to go out in waist deep snow to go to the bathroom. I could see my car & knew I could leave at any time. My reason for going out was to quiet the babble in my brain.
My teacher kept telling me I would hate her on the 2nd day, she said that for several of my fasts, but I kept giving her the same answer. “You didn’t put me out there, I did & spirit did, so I have nothing to be angry at you for”.
On the last day of that fast I heard a bird call & was sure it was something important like an eagle or a hawk, I called it to show itself, it was a blue jay & I was really pissed off. That didn’t seem important enough for my fast.
My next fast was in July, a 3 day. I was allowed a tent. I had a face cord of wood and was to keep my fire burning. I ran out of wood because there were 4 thunderstorms & because of having the tent, I had to sit out through one storm with my top off. I felt every drop that hit me. I still love going out in storms because of that.
My husband & kids were to watch over me.
I had a problem having sex with my husband, I hated it because of the abuse, but once on my fast I was so aroused I took him into my tent & rocked his world.
My teacher knew what was going on & was angry at me. He was not supposed to be in my circle & was to ask me three questions every 8 hours, Are you ok, do you need anything, do you want to come out.
One night as I lay in the tent watching my fast fire I heard footsteps, it sounded like someone in moccasins, I heard the footsteps cross in front of my tent, but couldn’t see anyone until he began to squat down, as he got lower he got more visible.
He had his back to me and was staring into my fire. He squatted there for hours before I finally asked him what he was doing there, hours later he said “Teach you”.
I was totally confused. He was gone by morning light. I wasn’t sure why I was doing this fast; I just knew I had to. The worst part was the mosquitoes.
I also did a 10 day silence that was the hardest fast. It was to teach me to listen.
My last fast was a 4 day in the bush near the log cabin where I lived with my common law husband. It started 4 days before when I went out into the fields and did some drumming.
I looked up & there in the clouds was a tall rock topped with a buffalo skull. There were 4 eagle feathers attached to the skull and a drum at the base of the rock. I was told that the feathers were for four chiefs.
I started to sob & asked why I was crying, I was told I was crying for the First Nations people who had been slaughtered.
My full grown turkey would come to visit during the day. I had a bush cord of wood for the fire. (the fire goes out, the fast is done). As I sat in my lean-to, a cow in the next field came to stare at me, they looked at the other cows and one by one they came to stare at this crazy woman sitting where she shouldn’t be. *LOL*
A voice spoke into my fast "The people who follow the buffalo are my people".
At night I could hear a coyote pack and a single wolf. I also heard something that called itself Coyote Singer; it sang to me and told me a hysterical joke in coyote.
What was the most coyote about it, I couldn’t tell anyone the joke because I don’t speak coyote & it didn’t translate into any language I know.
On the 4th day I saw the figure of a woman coming down from the sky, she entered me through the top of my head & when her hips were at my head, she looked up & said “This is the body I chose?”, I retorted that I had. She merged with me.
When they came to get me, they had to help me walk, I wanted another day, but people had gathered for a birthday party for me & I didn’t want to disappoint them. My sister in law had a gift for me she had bought months before in the US, as she handed it to me; she said you may recognize it.
It was a stained glass replica of the woman I had seen in my fast.
My common law’s oldest 3 kids used to visit us, I did the 2nd wife ceremony with their mom, giving her sweet grass & acknowledging her as the mother of 3 of his children. I would go “energy” shopping with the kids, teaching them how to chose spirit stones & tools by feel. They loved it.
Throughout my time in the circle things happened, like being at a native community feast and praying for a woman’s healing with everyone else, suddenly being transported to a circular building made out of slabs of cedar wood and holding a rattle in my hand, standing over a woman lying down. I was staring around trying to memorize everything when I was told to stop it and do what I was there for.
I was also aware of the ceremony done by elder women of a village when a man had a sexual dysfunction; I knew the medicines and the ritual. I don’t know how I knew that.
My common-law & I initially lived in a beautiful old shack in Belwood. It had been built over a log cabin on a hill leading to Belwood Lake. The landlords hadn’t been able to keep tenants, I found out why, there was the ghost of an old farmer in the log cabin basement of the newer structure. He was walking on the original floors was walking through earth to just below his knees.
He was wearing pants made of homespun material. He was angry because people were in his home. I talked to him & made a deal so he left us alone while we were there.
While there I learned to flesh & tan hides, from rabbit to deer & moose. I was commissioned to make shields for people who would come to me with items they wanted, I would put good energy into the shield as I crafted it.
When my common-law put me out & took my teacher into my home & bed I had already discovered she was a people user, she did her teachings for what she could get from the people.
If you had nothing she wanted, you weren’t important.
I was angry that she was using & manipulating people so I did candle magic, binding her from hurting herself or anyone else.
Within a year, she had no circle,she had gone through several car accidents without a fatality, her mother put her out of the home she had made my common-law ex put thousands of dollars in renovations into, her daughter moved into her home and within 2 years my CL ex had a new woman, he went back to my ex-teacher for a year and as he said later, it was just to do to her what she had done to him.
I forced myself not to do anything to harm them.
After the split I started going to a native circle led by a male elder & his wife, but I never felt comfortable.
About 2 years ago I felt I had spent too much time walking the physical path and needed to get back to my spirit walk so I began looking for a teacher.
Friends came to visit me in my last place & said there was something wrong in the apartment, that someone had been playing with magic and hadn’t closed the circle or let the spirits called depart. So I did a circle & fixed it.
9/11 was awful for me, it was my birthday, it didn’t hit me until the next day, I felt like I was stuck in the 2nd plane just seconds before it hit.
I watched a mother bend her body over her daughter to protect her.
I could hear what people had been thinking right up to that last second. We are being taken to an airfield & held hostage, this is bad, but they will get us out of it.
It was only in the last second that they realized they weren’t pulling up. Some of the victims stayed there, stuck in time, not believing they were dead & I was stuck with them.
I was also trapped under rubble in the buildings in pockets of air or under concrete or girders.
I was also standing in front of the site seeing individual life lights; it took weeks for some of them to flicker out.
When they released tapes & information from cell phone calls from the planes, I found out what I had felt was correct.
Recently I was led to do therapeutic touch on my roommate, he had a lump the size of a fist in his chest, I took it out, it seemed the right thing to do.
When we debriefed, he told me he had been waking up with a fist sized pain in his chest every morning; it seemed to have tendrils elsewhere in his body that fed the lump.
I finally quit asking him if the lump was still gone.
I can still feel those circles in my palms, but they have filled in, they aren’t hollow any more.
Currently I am studying Shamanism and Theraputic Touch as well as doing complimentary Theraputic Touch sessions in my apartment complex to fulfill the requirements of my course.
It appears a totem that has been with me for years finally got me to pay attention.
July 2005 My mother passed away this month, just two weeks short of the anniversary of my father's death in 1998. Although she, my sister and brother live out in British Columbia and there was no way I could get there when she was hospitalised due to massive stroke, Shaman Maggie and I went out in spirit. I held her hand, lay my head on her belly and spoke to her spirit, I asked for and gave forgiveness, then, seeing the bonds my sister and brother had on her from their desire to see her get better, I cut the bonds knowing mom wouldn't be the same woman if she was bound to this existance. Mom was hanging on to an issue from the past and to her china cabinet, when she wasn't able to bring herself to release the connections, I cut them and gave her permission to go or stay. When I returned to this plane, I read her two favorite psalms, after getting tired of waiting for news, I called the hospital to discover mom had died peacefully and it appeared she left as I read her psalms.
I have heard from mom, letting me know she is whole and everything is ok.
I am really growing through this experience, learning to let go and not need to control preperations for her memorial and interrment. People are rather taken aback by the joy I feel about my mother's passing, it is not what I expected to feel. I will miss her, but rejoice in her freedom.
Forward to 2006